L, I do not have perky pink nipples
by machi-pan
Summary: It was all because of that stupid 'Seme's Handbook' that started the argument of 'who's the 'seme' in a homosexual relationship'. Curse all the freaky, under-age fangirls. LxLight fluff


_a/n: I'm not sure if anyone has laced this idea with _Death Note_, but I couldn't find any fanfictions on my side so I ran off to make one. There's no sex in this one [sorry? XD] but there _are_ pretty doodly words and sex _implications_ so I just wanted to be safe. _

_disclaimer: what? _Me_? nah u joking hue  
Death Note does not at all belong to me and neither does the Seme Handbook._

* * *

"Light-kun, what do you make of this?"

"Make of wha—" As soon as Light's pretty head swarmed into vision, his expression sunk into one of bemusement. And then disbelief. "Ryuzaki...why are you on a _that_ kind of website? And _what_ kind of unit involving 'Boy Love Galore' has any relevance to the Kira investigation at_ all_?"

"I _do_ find the contents of an explicit area like this fairly interesting. Does Light-kun know that I am 91% on the grounds of a dominant partner in a homosexual relationship?"

Light blinked incredulously before answering. "Ok, that one's gone and done it now. You really are pulling these percentages out of your ass, Ryuzaki." Then he surged up the repressed sparks of irritation, shaking his head. "Whatever. You should know better than anyone of the importance of staying focused and providing a better figure for the team."

He finished, making a point of staring behind him and eyeing the taskforce staring intently at their laptops, gadgets and paperwork. Matsuda caught his eye and grinned like a fool, before Light turned back to face L.

"The outcome of 99.4% of situations fit my calculations precisely. However, please know that this particular percentage came from an online survey I took. And I do not accept any form of preaching," The detective's left thumb slowly rose in a pause before climbing up to a comfy spot on his lower lip. "Especially if it comes from Light-kun, seeing as I hold dominance over him."

"_W-what_?" Light barked in an outburst before covering his lips with his right hand. Behind him, a third of the taskforce raised their heads in curiosity to stare at them before shrugging in a display of boredom and returning back to their activities.

"I said that I hold dominance over Light-kun." L stared intently, the show of Light losing his calm for a moment's silence giving him a rush of satisfaction. "Unless Light-kun can prove a reverse outcome to justify his protest?"

The younger boy almost felt the ground under his dropped jaw before closing it subtly, his mask slipping into place as he failed to uncover an irritable twitch of his eyebrow.

"Ryuzaki..." Light started before his practiced cool washed over him. "Never mind," He said, despite still being a bit disgruntled.

L was too childish to disguise his disappointment, and Light took great pleasure in the slump of L's shoulders.

"Ryuzaki," Light said, clicking through a horde of folders. "If everyone were to stray off the task at hand, we'll never get anything done. I'm sorry to have to 'preach' you; I can't help but speak from my irritation."

"I understand," 'Ryuzaki' replied shortly, the thumb between his teeth slightly disfiguring his words. Then unconcernedly, he had the audacity to add a private afterthought. "At any rate, the submissive partners are known to be pushy anyway."

The typing momentarily stopped, and the detective held a sly inward victory, only to be disappointed once again as the typing continued without a concern in the world. Still, if the silent treatment was anything to go by, Ryuzaki was on the right track.

"Perhaps Light-kun is too afraid to try. 91% _does_ reach over the equilibrium by 41%; it would be understandable if he were to – how to put it..._chicken out_." He added quietly, deviously and he found the violent flinch Light made in response to that _very_ amusing. "Though it's quite disappointing; I didn't think that, that was Light-kun's style,"

"_Move over_." Light snapped, the trigger inside him being flicked quite elegantly in the movements of a female temptress. As soon as his outburst resounded off the walls, Ryuzaki had to hold onto the bars of his seat to prevent himself from falling when Light had shoved his chair to the side.

"Which one is it?" The younger male narrowed his eyes, hot-headed as he faced his chain-partner with an aggressive look straight on his face.

"This one," L drawled, his hand coldly overlapping Light's as he directed the mouse to click on a love-heart icon.

In retaliation, the boy swatted his hand away and stared, focused on the screen. Meanwhile, L was debating whether to call Watari for cakes or to inform him of the current Kira situation. It had been rather hard to communicate with the elderly man as he had dead-weight holding him down. A dead-weight who was also very attractive and beautiful despite being a male. A dead-weight that couldn't be anywhere without L, a dead-weight that claimed to not know English _that well_. That brat; L found out the miniature kinks of his face he let out and the flickers of realization in his eyes when Light was following a particular English conversation.

L's eyes rolled up to the ceiling, his former entertainment passing him within five seconds. His thumb parted his lips once again as he pondered further. Maybe he'll have to use Morse code. Yes, then he can confidently derail form his tasks and hand it over to Near or Mello when in death.

What was the first option again...?

Beside him, Light shuffled in aggravation.

Ah, yes. _Cake_.

Cake was good. Cake was beautiful. Cake was—

"Aah..."

-not nearly as amusing as Light-kun's result.

_Congratulations!  
You are an uke/submissive/catcher!  
*99%* of the blocks you answered support this overall score. Be in good health at _all_ times please! You know it won't stop your seme from kissing you. And remember to keep a close lookout for all males around you; wouldn't want your possessive partner to get jealous, would you?_

L actually _smirked_ at him. That free-falling, bastard excuse of an impassive, great detective _smirked_ at him.

Light ground his teeth in frustration, his eyes glaring a steaming hole into the taunting computer screen as his face burned in warning. Don't scamper your head off to the side, submissive. Your dominant wants to rape you at every moment – and of course, you would let him. Oh shut the bloody fuck up.

After two minutes of silence and perfectly stilled movements, L spoke up.

"Well I guess this just proves it. Does Light-kun wish to inform the team? I'm sure that this will somehow link to a slur of evidence later on, regarding the Kira investigation. Well, would he like to tell Mr. Yagami-san first? No? Very well; I will."

The world's three greatest detectives in one moved to get up only to get shoved back down into the seat.

"You _bastard_; a petty site like this is not to be taken seriously. And besides, it says here that it's only one aspect of the whole component!"

Inwardly, L smiled. Trust Light's competitiveness to be scary and endearing at the same time. It was almost cute.

"Aha!" Light declared loudly, causing the detectives behind him to jump and to startle L enough out of his far gaze.

"See look!" Light was pointing at the screen in direct accomplishment to Ryuzaki. "It says here in the 'Seme's handbook'."

L cocked his head to the side. "What would it contain to excite Light-kun so much?"

"Look! Rule number one 1: Seme's don't eat cakes. Ever." The sly grin sent back at him was so triumphant that L practically felt his leg unfurling to kick the chair away. Alas, he wouldn't and he didn't; this could actually be a competition with all the advantages hanging on his side of the fence.

* * *

**Seme rule number #1  
Seme's don't eat cake. Ever.**

* * *

"Then how about Light-kun looks at number twenty two."

Light angrily stood up, his chair silently screeching against the floors as he angrily faced the detective. "What does _that_ have to do anything with it?!"

* * *

**Seme rule number #22  
After sex, you always wear the pajama pants. Your uke will wear the shirt, lest he wishes to tempt you again with his perky pink nipples.**

* * *

"I find that when we sleep in bed—"

"You never sleep!"

"—Light-kun is the one only wearing an over-sized shirt and I am the one only wearing the pajama pants."

"Yes—_but_!" Light huffed, his face over-heating and he knew he was going red. From anger or embarrassment, he didn't know. "It's not in the same context!"

"How so?"

"For one, we don't have..." The younger boy blushed angrily. "_Sex_ in any way! And I do not have-"

"Light-kun does _so_ have delicate, pink nipples."

"You _pervert_!"

There was a silence in which L took his time to analyse the screen. "Light-kun will find that most of the seme's doings are perverted."

"Aaargh!" Light groaned loudly in frustration, his fist just aching to take one huge swing. "Just shut up already, Ryuzaki!"

* * *

**Seme rule #25  
A seme must always have a different hair-colour to his uke.**

* * *

L frowned, silently wondering how long Watari will take when handling his promised cakes that he requested a few minutes ago.

"Light-kun is being overly-aggressive."

"That's because 'Light-kun' is chained to the most _annoying_ being in this planet." The reply was quick with distaste.

"So Light-kun agrees that he is the submissive then?"

"No!"

L's eyes whirled back to the screen. "Although I haven't examined the site thoroughly, I am 98% sure that there is also an uke's handbook and 86% sure that there is a rule there containing denial."

But Light's hand was already clenching into a fist and was already halfway there to its annoying destination when the cool, endless pools of sin black simmered into his own widening orbs warningly. _Goddamnit, Light you fool. You let the stupid bastard win. What happened to calm and collected? _The boy held off his fist with a snarl, a vein damn nearly popping through his head as he faced the other way and started heading towards it.

"Very wise," L commented. "I was trained in numerous amounts of martial arts including a particular lost one. Light-kun wouldn't have had any chance – wouldn't last five seconds."

* * *

**Seme rule #10**

**No matter how much your uke struggles, you can always tie your uke in a compromising position in five seconds flat. If this was a contest, you'd win first place hands down (or tied)**

* * *

The teenager twitched. Below his breath he muttered darkly. "I need to go to the bathroom."

"Oh?"

L stood up from his chair without a protest and started following the younger individual, his shoulders and position already slouched in familiarity. It was another note repressed into L's head but shown itself in that moment; most sexual events, bar the bed, happened in bathrooms.

"Does Light-kun wish to know that I will later proceed to pin him down using one hand?"

Light punched him.

Most times, L preferred the 48% of the time when Light was cute instead of scary.

* * *

**Seme rule #21  
It's perfectly normal to be able to pin an uke to the wall using only one hand to grip his wrists.**

* * *

On the table, the five detectives were rendered into a silence that none of them was comfortable maintaining. Mogi's shoulders were shaking in disbelieving, silent laughter as opposed to Matsuda laughing so hard, his inward guts were showing. Aizawa was staring at his hands, wondering if high IQs were a partial effect of a psychotic disease, and former Chief Inspector Yagami had a hand on his forehead pondering on what the _hell_ he just heard.

* * *

a/n: Thanks for reading, fellas! Sometimes, people should just give Light a break. But nah. He's just too pretty to not break. Has anyone tried the seme/uke test? Try it! In just a few words, I will...be...able...to reach...exactly...2,000 words right...NOW. _YAY_!


End file.
